In 2004, HBO debuted a rough and tumble western that was unglossed, unkind, and full of unfiltered fucks (in every sense of the word).
Deadwood, based on the real town in South Dakota, was not only a brilliantly-written show with an amazing casting director, it was a ripe source of absolutely scathing put-downs, insults, and rebuffs.
There were plenty of racist insults too, but we’ll leave those right the fuck out of here.
From the common (uttered almost every episode) to the truly legendary, these are the ten most brutal and delightful taunts from Deadwood’s three seasons and Deadwood: The Movie.
10) Cocksucker. (Episode: pretty much all of them)
Really nothing special, but it has to be included because it’s basically the “asshole” of Deadwood.
And there were So. Many. Variations.
Cocksucka.
White cocksucka.
San Francisco cocksucker.
Most often uttered by the town’s main anti-hero, Al Swearengen, this very special video documents 279 “cocksuckers” over Deadwood’s three seasons.
9) “Those that doubt me suck cock by choice!” (2.8 “Childish Things”)
When “cocksucker” needed a little nuance to be made new again, this line in episode 8 of season 2 was just right.
To me, it’s the crème de la crème of Deadwood’s “cocksucker.”
Because it’s one thing to call someone a cocksucker. It’s another (better) thing to make them choose whether or not they want to be classified as one.
8) “Mornin’, Sir. Anything the mayor should know?”
“Name of another tailor.” (1.10 “Mister Wu”)
Basic, but, honestly? Rude as hell.
7) “Get a fucking haircut. Looks like your mother fucked a monkey.” (1.10 “Mister Wu”)
Swearengen was just dishing out all of the advice this episode.
And, now, you can too!
6) “Could you have been born, Richardson? And not egg-hatched as I’ve always assumed? Did your mother hover over you, snaggle-toothed and doting as you now hover over me?” (3.2 “I Am Not the Fine Man You Take Me For”)
A crueler, more colorful way of asking someone if they were raised by wolves? I think so.
Might I recommend switching out the name “Richardson” with that of your intended target, and using as much or as little of this as you deem appropriate for your personal situation?
5) “Wash your fuckin’ mouth. You got seven kinds of cock breath.” (2.11 “The Whores Can Come”)
Said by one prostitute to another.
But, let’s face it, we’ve all got that one person in our lives we could say this to and it be pretty damn close to accurate, whether it’s actual cock or not.
4) “Act civilized even if you ain’t.” (2.11 “The Whores Can Come”)
There’s a bit of a racist undertone in this one as used on the show. Swearengen says it to Mr. Wu, a Chinese man, and he’s being a real asshole about it, as per the usge.
That said, it’s a great broad-sweeping insult that hits people right in their very images of themselves.
And there are plenty of cocksuckers who deserve to hear it.
3) “If I had that mug on me, I believe I’d cut down on gettin’ told how butt-fucking ugly I was by not staring at fucking strangers.” (1.6 “Plague”)
Scathing insult, or excellent advice?
Exactly. It works because it’s both.
Basically, it’s like saying “You’re ugly. But I wouldn’t have had to tell you you’re ugly if you weren’t also stupid.”
2) “Does brevity exist in your repertoire, Sir?” (Deadwood: The Movie)
Insulting someone is easy. You can yell insults from your car window at random passersby.
But insults are pointless if they are without reason.
Insults with purpose are far more effective. And the more passive-aggressive they are, the better.
To let someone standing there staring you in your fuckin’ face know you are tired of hearing them talk, that shit is fuckin’ satisfying.
1) “Mornin’.”
“Mornin’. Best time of day to go fuck yourself.” (3.4 “Full Faith and Credit”)
And with this classic, best-of, pull-it-out-whenever-you-get-the-chance insult, we conclude our list.
This one right here is straight-up unfiltered emotion.
And if you start out by responding in kind –
“Mornin’.”
“Mornin’.”
– that last part comes as a real twist.
See it in action with some bonus “go fuck yourself”s –
Best Deadwood Insults Runners-up
Frog-faced fuck.
So very basic. And yet a perfect lesson in how much alliteration adds to even base insults.
Bald-pated cunt.
It just means bald-headed, but what is it about the word pated that makes it sound that much classier?